Building Healthy Friendships as a Young Adult

1. Understand That Friendship Requires More Than Chemistry

Some people are easy to connect with. You share the same humour, enjoy similar activities, and find conversation effortless. That initial connection can be valuable, but it does not automatically make a friendship healthy.

Chemistry can bring people together. Character, consistency and mutual respect help determine whether the relationship can last.

A person may be entertaining but unreliable. Someone may share your ambitions but constantly compete with you. Another person may be different from you in many ways yet prove to be a dependable, thoughtful friend.

Research published in 2024 followed 346 people from around age 20 to around age 30 and examined friendship quality alongside self-esteem and loneliness. It found that dependable support within friendships was associated with both outcomes, while other aspects of friendship quality showed different relationships with wellbeing. The study highlights the importance of friendship quality, not simply the existence of social contact.

PMC

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When deciding whether to invest in a friendship, look beyond how well you get along.

Ask yourself:

• Can we disagree without insulting each other?
• Does this person respect my boundaries?
• Can we celebrate each other’s progress without turning it into a competition?
• Do we both make an effort to maintain the relationship?
• Can we discuss difficult issues honestly?
• Do I generally feel respected and safe being myself around this person?

No friendship will answer yes to every question all the time. People make mistakes, have difficult seasons and misunderstand one another. What matters is the overall pattern and whether both people are willing to address problems.

Choose friends not only by how you feel when things are easy, but also by how you treat each other when things become difficult.

2. Be Intentional About Where You Meet People

One reason young adults struggle to build friendships is that they expect meaningful relationships to develop without deliberately creating opportunities for connection.

At school, people may see one another every day. After graduation, that routine can disappear. Work, relocation, financial pressure and family responsibilities may leave fewer natural opportunities to meet people.

If you want to build new friendships, you may need to create the conditions in which they can develop.

Consider joining a professional association, sports group, reading club, volunteer programme, faith community, student society or local activity that interests you. Choose settings where you can interact with people repeatedly rather than attending a single event and expecting immediate closeness.

The American Psychological Association has highlighted research suggesting that people often underestimate how much others like them after conversations. It also recommends consistent participation in social activities and attentive listening as ways to help friendships develop.

American Psychological Association

This matters because fear of rejection can make people withdraw before a relationship has a chance to grow.

You do not need to impress everyone you meet. Start by showing genuine interest, asking thoughtful questions and allowing conversations to develop naturally.

Practical steps:

• Attend activities that match your interests.
• Initiate conversations instead of always waiting to be approached.
• Follow up when you have a good conversation with someone.
• Invite people to simple activities, such as a walk, coffee or study session.
• Give new relationships time to develop before deciding whether you are compatible.

You may not connect deeply with everyone. That is normal. The objective is to create opportunities for mutual connection, not to turn every interaction into a friendship.

3. Learn to Initiate, Not Just Respond

Some people say they want close friendships but rarely initiate contact. They wait for others to send the first message, suggest a meeting or ask how they are doing.

Over time, this can leave relationships dependent on one person’s effort.

Initiative does not mean chasing people who show no interest. It means being willing to contribute to a relationship rather than expecting the other person to do all the work.

Send the message. Suggest the meeting. Ask how the interview went. Remember the important event they mentioned. Check in when someone has been unusually quiet.

Small actions often communicate care more clearly than grand declarations.

At the same time, pay attention to reciprocity. Healthy friendships do not require perfectly equal effort every week. One person may need more support during a difficult season, while the other carries more of the relationship. But over time, both people should show some willingness to participate.

If you are always initiating, listening, apologising and making sacrifices while the other person remains indifferent, it may be time to reconsider the balance.

Before making that judgement, however, communicate. Someone may be dealing with pressure you do not know about, or you may have different expectations about how often friends should communicate.

The point is not to keep a scorecard. It is to build a relationship in which neither person feels permanently responsible for keeping it alive.

4. Practise Honest Communication

Many friendships do not break down because of one major disagreement. They weaken through small misunderstandings that people avoid discussing.

A joke causes offence, but nobody explains why. One friend feels ignored but responds with silence. Another becomes frustrated about repeated cancellations but pretends everything is fine. Resentment builds until a relatively small issue produces a much larger conflict.

Healthy communication allows people to address these problems before they become patterns.

It means explaining how you feel without assuming you know the other person’s intentions. It also means listening when someone tells you that your actions hurt them.

Compare these two responses:

• “You never care about me. You only call when you need something.”
• “I’ve noticed that we mostly talk when you need help. I’d like us to make more time for each other outside those situations.”

The first attacks the person’s character. The second identifies a pattern and expresses a need.

Neither approach guarantees a positive response, but the second gives both people a better opportunity to discuss the issue.

Healthy communication involves:

• Being clear about what bothers you.
• Listening without immediately preparing a defence.
• Asking questions before making assumptions.
• Apologising when you have caused harm.
• Discussing expectations rather than assuming everyone shares them.
• Accepting that some disagreements will require compromise.

Honesty does not mean saying everything that comes to mind. It means communicating what matters with respect, timing and a willingness to understand.

5. Set Boundaries Without Treating Them as Punishment

A healthy friendship does not require unlimited access to your time, money, attention or personal life.

You can care about someone and still say no. You can support a friend without becoming responsible for every problem they face. You can maintain privacy without proving that you have something to hide.

Boundaries help people understand what they can reasonably expect from one another.

For example, you may not be available for late-night calls every day. You may be unwilling to lend money. You may prefer not to discuss certain personal matters. You may need time to focus on work, studies, family or rest.

Communicate these limits clearly.

A boundary might sound like this:

“I care about what you’re going through, but I cannot lend money right now. I can help you think through other options if that would be useful.”

Or:

“I want us to resolve this, but I cannot continue the conversation while we are insulting each other. Let’s take a break and return to it when we can speak calmly.”

Boundaries are not tools for controlling other people. They clarify what you can accept and what you will do if a situation becomes harmful.

The other person is also allowed to have boundaries. Healthy friendships require both people to respect them, even when they feel disappointed.

If someone repeatedly punishes you for saying no, pressures you to reveal private information or treats your time as something they own, take the pattern seriously.

6. Celebrate Each Other Without Competing

Friendships can become complicated when people’s lives begin to move in different directions.

One person gets a promotion. Another is unemployed. Someone buys a house, starts a business, receives a scholarship or enters a new relationship. Another person may be dealing with debt, rejection or uncertainty.

These differences can produce comparison, insecurity or resentment, especially when people believe they should be achieving the same milestones at the same time.

A healthy friendship makes room for different journeys.

You should be able to celebrate a friend’s success without interpreting it as evidence of your own failure. You should also be able to discuss your struggles without feeling that your friend is secretly enjoying them.

This does not mean you will never feel envy. Envy is a human emotion. What matters is how you respond to it.

If a friend’s progress makes you uncomfortable, ask yourself what the feeling is revealing. Are you disappointed with your own progress? Do you want something similar? Are you afraid of being left behind?

Use that information to understand your own needs instead of diminishing the other person’s achievement.

Likewise, be thoughtful about how you share your success. Do not use achievements to establish superiority, embarrass friends or constantly remind them of what they lack.

A good friend can offer encouragement without pretending that everyone’s circumstances are identical.

Friendship is not a race in which one person’s progress reduces another person’s worth.

7. Accept That Healthy Friends Can Disagree With You

A friend is not required to agree with every opinion you hold, support every decision you make or praise every action you take.

In fact, a friendship built entirely on agreement may struggle when either person begins to think differently.

Healthy friends can challenge one another without humiliation. They can express concern about a decision, question an assumption or offer an alternative perspective while still respecting each other’s autonomy.

There is an important difference between constructive disagreement and disrespect.

Constructive disagreement focuses on the issue. Disrespect attacks the person, uses private information as a weapon or repeatedly dismisses their right to think independently.

You should also be willing to hear feedback. If several trusted people independently raise concerns about the same behaviour, consider whether there is something worth examining. They may not always be right, but dismissing every criticism as jealousy prevents growth.

Equally, do not assume that someone is a bad friend simply because they challenge you. Sometimes care means telling a person what they need to consider, not merely what they want to hear.

The aim is not to create friendships without conflict. It is to develop friendships in which disagreement can lead to understanding rather than fear.

8. Recognise the Difference Between Support and Dependency

Friends should be able to rely on one another. But a friendship can become strained when one person is expected to provide all the emotional support, solve every crisis or make every important decision for the other.

Supporting a friend does not mean becoming their therapist, financial provider, personal assistant or only source of emotional stability.

You can listen, encourage, help someone consider options and accompany them through a difficult period. You can also recognise when a problem requires professional support, additional resources or help from other trusted people.

The same principle applies to your own needs. It is healthy to ask friends for help, but it is risky to expect one person to meet every emotional and social need you have.

Build a broader support system where possible. Different people may offer different forms of support, from practical advice and shared interests to emotional understanding and professional guidance.

If a friend is struggling, ask what would help rather than assuming you know. If you are struggling, be honest about what you need while recognising the other person’s limits.

Support becomes more sustainable when it is based on care, consent and realistic expectations.

9. Know When a Friendship Needs Repair, Distance or an Ending

Not every friendship will last throughout your life.

People change. Circumstances change. Sometimes a relationship weakens because both people become busy or move apart. Other times, repeated dishonesty, disrespect, manipulation or one-sided effort makes the relationship difficult to maintain.

It is useful to distinguish between three situations.

When a friendship needs repair

There is a problem, but both people are willing to acknowledge it, communicate honestly and make changes. A sincere conversation and consistent effort may help rebuild trust.

When a friendship needs distance

The relationship may still matter, but the current level of contact, conflict or emotional involvement is not working. Less frequent interaction or clearer boundaries may be appropriate.

When a friendship may need to end

There is a repeated pattern of harmful behaviour, serious breaches of trust or refusal to respect boundaries. If honest attempts to address the issue fail, ending or stepping away from the relationship may be the healthier option.

Do not use one disagreement as proof that a friendship must end. Look at the pattern, the severity of the behaviour, whether accountability is present and whether change follows an apology.

At the same time, you do not have to tolerate repeated harm to prove that you are loyal.

Some friendships end without a dramatic confrontation. A direct, respectful conversation may be possible, but in situations involving threats, coercion or abuse, protecting your safety comes first.

You can appreciate what a friendship once meant to you without insisting that it must continue in its previous form.

10. Make Time for Friendship in a Busy Life

Many adults say friendship matters but treat it as something they will attend to when everything else is finished.

The problem is that work, study, family responsibilities and personal ambitions rarely finish completely.

If you want meaningful friendships, you must make room for them. This does not require constant messaging or frequent social events. It requires some consistency and a willingness to protect time for connection.

The American Psychological Association’s review of friendship research emphasises that maintaining relationships takes repeated effort, much like other habits that require regular practice.

American Psychological Association

Practical ways to maintain friendships include:

• Scheduling occasional calls or meet-ups.
• Sharing small updates instead of waiting for major news.
• Remembering important events and following up.
• Creating simple traditions, such as a monthly walk or shared meal.
• Being present during conversations instead of constantly checking your phone.
• Explaining when you are busy rather than disappearing without communication.

Be realistic about what you can offer. A demanding season may reduce the time you have for friends. You can communicate that honestly and agree on ways to stay connected.

Friendship does not require constant availability. It benefits from dependable effort over time.

11. Do Not Confuse a Large Social Circle With a Strong Support System

Social media can make it appear that everyone has a thriving social life. People share group outings, birthday celebrations, holidays and photographs with friends. These images can create pressure to maintain a large circle or make every weekend look exciting.

But the number of people you know does not tell you how supported you feel, how much you trust them or whether you can approach them when life becomes difficult.

The World Health Organization’s 2025 report on social connection found that approximately one in six people worldwide experiences loneliness, with adolescents and young adults among the most affected groups. The report also highlights the health and social consequences of isolation and loneliness.

World Health Organization

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Loneliness is not proof that someone has failed socially. People can feel lonely in crowded rooms, within relationships or during periods of major transition. Others may enjoy a relatively small circle and feel deeply connected.

If you are lonely, do not assume that something is wrong with your personality. Consider whether you have enough opportunities for meaningful interaction, whether you are withdrawing because of fear or disappointment, and what practical steps could help you build connection.

Start with one relationship or one social setting. You do not need to transform your entire social life at once.

And remember that healthy friendship is not about performing happiness for an audience. It is about having people with whom you can share ordinary life, including the parts that never appear in photographs.

A Practical Challenge: Invest in One Friendship This Week

You do not have to master every aspect of friendship immediately. Begin with one action that could strengthen an existing relationship or create an opportunity for a new one.

Your friendship action plan

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Reach out to someone I value and ask how they are doing.

Arrange a simple activity with a friend instead of waiting for them to initiate.

Have an honest, respectful conversation about an issue I have been avoiding.

Thank a friend for something specific they have done for me.

Attend a group or activity where I can meet people with shared interests.

Reflect on one friendship that needs clearer boundaries or more balanced effort.

Copy selected actions

Small actions do not guarantee that every friendship will work. They do give healthy relationships a better chance to grow.

Conclusion: Build Friendships That Allow Both People to Grow

Healthy friendships do not require perfect people. They require people who are willing to communicate, respect boundaries, take responsibility for their actions and make room for one another’s growth.

As a young adult, you will meet people who share your interests but not your values. You will build friendships that change as your circumstances change. You may lose relationships you thought would last forever, and you may develop meaningful connections in places you never expected.

These experiences are part of learning how to relate to people.

Do not choose friends only because they are popular, useful, successful or available. Pay attention to their character, their consistency and the way you treat each other. Be willing to initiate contact, apologise when necessary, celebrate their progress and speak honestly when something is wrong.

Also, become the kind of friend you hope to find. Offer the respect, reliability, care and honesty you expect from others, while maintaining boundaries that protect your own wellbeing.

The aim is not to avoid every disappointment. It is to develop the judgement to recognise healthy relationships, the skills to maintain them and the courage to step away when a relationship repeatedly causes harm.

You do not need a crowd to prove that you are loved. You need relationships in which care, respect and effort are real.

At YTOP Global, we believe youth development includes more than education and career preparation. It also includes helping young people build the interpersonal skills, self-awareness and judgement they need to participate in healthy communities.

Your turn: What do you think matters most in a healthy friendship: honesty, loyalty, consistency, mutual respect or the ability to grow together?

Share your view in the comments. Send this article to a friend or young adult who may find it useful, and follow YTOP Global for practical insights on youth development, personal growth and leadership.

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